Crazy Animals

Ok, let’s go back a couple of years ago. I moved into my new house with the best dog that ever existed, and three fucking cats. Two of which I could really care less for. So like in the old house they started clawing at the carpets and baseboards, and then the back of my new leather sofa. Well it didn’t take much of this before I just had enough and made them all outside cats. Janie, the oldest and only one i even like, loves the outside and made the transition with ease. The bitches on the other had, that is what I like to call them, did not. Fat-ass, I mean Zoey, is a bit shy and a lot of a chicken and just could not believe that she now had to live outside. Spot, yes a cat named Spot, was just plain mad, and for the next few weeks picked a fight with Zoey every chance she got, I think because for some reason she blamed Zoey for them being throw out of the house.

After a few weeks they calmed down and I don’t think they were happy about it, but got use to living outside. Zoey being a big chicken shit, never really goes much past the patio where they live. Spot on the other had started to wander, and meet other cats, and meet other male cats. And even though she was fixed, she still went whoring around a bit. She would run off for a few hours, then a few days, then a week, and then…

Now it is November and my son has come to terms with the fact the his cat is gone and not coming back. And for being such a brave little man we decided to get him a new pet. A TURTLE! They are only 5 bucks and seemed, and let me clarify SEEMED!, like a low maintenance pet. Now Hindsight being what it is, I should have learned from the 6 Goldfish that cost 25 cents each and should have only lived 6 months tops, lived up to 6 and probably cost about $3000 to keep alive. But sometime making your children happy makes you do stupid things, like buy a turtle that will live for oh about 40 or so years. Way to go dumb-ass!

So, its my sons birthday and we have the turtle all wrapped up for a great birthday surprise. We have cake and ice cream and open present and the boy gets the turtle and everyone is happy. My job his done, so I am going our to the patio to have a smoke when I hear a haunting familiar sound that at first did not register. As I walked out the door the shadow gave way to the light and was shocked to realize what that familiar sound was. SPOT! Yep the day I buy a replacement pet for my son the pet i replaced came home, and has not really left the patio since.

Now I know what your thinking… what a cute sorry, but I’m not done yet. Our little friend “The Turtle” has a little happy life in a little happy tank. The problem is that he got bigger, and bigger and bigger to the point that he needed a bigger living space. Keep in mind this is a Red Eared Slider and has to be in the water to eat and shit. So I just let him roam around the house. He loved it! He got to walk about and explore. He loved scratching shell on the base of the coffee table. Freedom, real turtle freedom, and then back in the tank to eat a shit and at night to sleep.
Something tells me that it was not freedom enough!

It is almost a year later, and a beautiful October day. I was about to light the Grill, have a few beers, while watching the Broncos! Perfect! As I do on when I am grilling on nice day, I opened the double door to the patio so I can see the TV and grill at the same time. My wife and the kids had just left for the store and popped open a beer and zoned into the football. About and hour later The Wife comes home and come out to the patio and asked me, “Where is the turtle?” To which I responded “I don’t know”. I guest I had forgotten about letting him out of the tank earlier to wander.

We checked all of his normal hiding spots and cold not find him. Then we look outside on the patio and the yard. No turtle. We looked everywhere. I mean everywhere, and NO TURTLE! The Turtle was gone, and I gone blamed for letting to run away. Run away? Turtles don’t run away, and I protested that there is no way that the turtle got out of the yard, but since I had been carrying stuff to road for maybe 5 minute and left the patio gate open, I let the turtle out. We looked everyday for a while. Then a once week walk through the creek bed. Nothing, and after a while my brave little man convinced himself that The Turtle had gone to live with some other turtle in the creek by one of his friends house down the road. And that was the end of that.

Two days ago I walked out on to my patio and there it was. The Turtle. Five months later. Covered in mud. He had buried himself in the garden next to the patio and hibernated. So now we let him roam free, and put him in the tub once a day to eat and swim and shit. I think I might just make a little pond in the back of the garden and let him be an outside turtle. It seems to be working out for the cats.

The moral of this story… Red Ear Slider turtles hibernate and The Dave is usually right!!!


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